i like being alone, but hate feeling alone.

I just don’t fucking know.
 
The thing is, I don’t know why I get like this, and that scares me more than anything. It’s like I’m fine and then it sets in, the creeping feeling of isolation, the realisation I am totally alone. I begin to not be able to stand the thought or sight of myself. It’s like I feel way to much and nothing at all in the same moment. I feel aware, and reckless, and chaotically calm. I went up in the cupboard to find pills, the ones that are meant to fix everything, and searched thinking to myself if I could just get a few in me everything would be better. Yet I couldn’t find them so I resolved to just eating one bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes, which led to two, three and then four, then a fucking purge…. I was doing so well as well. It’s like I just don’t know. And I don’t care. I didn’t need something to happen tonight, but if something had, I don’t think I would have cared.

All I ever wanted to do was be happy and successful, by at least my own standards. But no. That could never happen for me. If you asked me why I would tell you I didn’t know. But obviously something was seriously screwed up. My life just keeps getting worse and worse everyday (in my mind maybe). Feeling like a failure your whole life is no fun, being told you’re a failure, is worse.

The fact that I’ll be getting discharged from eating disorder services after over 7 years of treatment, just makes everything worse, because then i truly will have no one to talk to, at all, i never ever talk to the people around me, ever, i put on such a tough image, and just because i’m more or less healthy these days, people seem to think i’m fine, which i don’t mind them thinking that, but it sucks sometimes and i am just sick of pushing people away too, like the people who mean the world to me, i’m just so angry, i’d probably quite easily cause some serious harm without thinking.

My fucked-up mind makes it agonizingly difficult — no, impossible — to live a normal life. Failure after miserable failure, and I just feel like i can’t take it anymore. If I could forget all of my mistakes and misfortunes, MAYBE (but probably not) I could be okay. But they come back to haunt me everyday. I’m so done. Because things are going to continue to get worse and I’m sorry if this has annoyed at you.

oh and on a final note i appreciate all the support and messages i got after my last update post, like for real, i’m sorry i’ve not got back to anyone, but love youu all, always in my heart, i truly mean this.

(Source: slowertoheal)