Reflecting

I am amazed at how I can always convince myself that everyone hates me.

Especially the ones who love me the most. I end up looking for some sort of fault— some sort of dark, ulterior reasoning behind their affections. Whether it’s my family or my friends, I refuse to believe that someone might actually love me, simply and unconditionally.

So here I go again, wondering why I’m such a terrible, complicated person and why I act the way I do. And apparently needing to type my thoughts out to do so.

Maybe it just boils down to this— I’m scared of letting people get too close to me. Heh. That sounds so cliche, doesn’t it? But, it’s true enough, I suppose. I assume that if a person knew every detail about me, they would automatically hate me. After all, I hate myself, so why wouldn’t they? That sounds cliche, too…

Meh. I wish love didn’t bother me so much. Why can’t I just accept compassion and give it in return?

… But something bothers me even more than all of this.

I’m trying I want to be a better person. I‘m trying I want to clear my judgement. I’m trying I want to lose this pessimist attitude and think positively. I’m trying I want to learn how to accept people. I’m trying I want to not be so selfish. Etc. But it’s hard for me to do. I don’t know why.

I knew I was lying to myself, even as I was typing that. I know exactly why it’s hard. It’s because I’m not trying. Yes, I know I should be. If I just changed myself, everything would be okay. It’s not going to say something like “Oh, it’s harder than it sounds!” because it’s probably not as hard as it sounds. It would probably be extremely easy. Right?

Then, why don’t I just change myself? Why don’t I just quit being a whiny brat and go do something about it? Well. I realize the answer to that one, now.

This prominent part of me that does all of these things that I hate— it doesn’t give a shit about any of it.

Just reflecting on my life instead of doing the things I should be